I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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