i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
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