haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
