i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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