Your mouth is God's brothel.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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