if you like me you must not know who I am
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
