Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
