You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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