I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Who died my cat blue again?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
