i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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