the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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