We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
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