my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
This is the high leading the old right now
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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