also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Randomize
