it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
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