This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Dignity is for republicans.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
