Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
