I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
