My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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