Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
