You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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