I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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