My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
