I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize
