i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
