i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
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