Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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