Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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