im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
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Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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