Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
