i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
