end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
