can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Randomize
