he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
