So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Randomize
