I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
