Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Randomize
