hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
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