Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
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Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
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So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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