Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
