I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Randomize
