I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
God, I missed his penis.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
