hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
The best revenge is premature balding
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
