Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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