I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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