proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I need moral support for this bender
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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