in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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