I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
