i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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