i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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