i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize
