Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
