you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
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