i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
