I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
