I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
My penis needs a shock collar
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Randomize
