Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
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