is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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