Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Randomize
