I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
