if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
